It is going to be ok.

I think motherhood has always been hard. As long as women have had babies it has come with challenges. I think some things never change, but I also think the modern mom has a whole new set of problems. It has been talked about before that with social media the way it is, comparing yourself to others, and seeing everyone as only having perfectly happy moments can be hard. For me, instagram is a happy place. I love seeing what people are doing, wearing, sharing, and connecting with people I otherwise wouldn't have. I do however, struggle at times with how trendy motherhood has become. Its cool to have a baby. And while this is awesome because it opens up a new world of support for moms, it complicates things as well. Because having a baby isn't as cool itself, but rocking the mom gig, loving it despite its challenges, and looking awesome while you do it, is cool. Writing about how motherhood is -hard and crazy and emotional and stressful and wonderful and amazing and messy and the best, most rewarding thing you have ever done- is cool. And that is hard sometimes. It is hard because when I don't feel that way, I feel like I am broken, or missing something.

After my first baby I was hit hard with postpartum depression. It took over a year to work through and I still see it as the darkest time of my life. I wasn't warned. I didn't anticipate it, and from the moment I met my little boy I felt like I was missing something. It wasn't bliss. I wasn't overcome with joy. And from there is only got so, so much worse. But I made it through and eventually felt back to myself.

Baby round two. The main reason I decided to go as natural as possible in delivery this time is that I felt like I needed the crazy adrenaline/endorphin rush people talk about after giving birth. It totally worked. I immediately felt so much joy, love, happiness, and connection with that baby.The happiness continued for weeks. I was so in love with my kids, with this baby, and with my experience I was having. I will forever be grateful for getting to experience those feelings.

Since then things have gotten hard again. So hard that we have thought that we might not have any more kids just because of what is does to me. I don't feel like sharing specifics but the level of craziness blows my mind at times. But unlike the first time around this time I am being more open about it, and getting the help I need. I know very few, if any, will even read this. But I share for one reason only, because if there is even one other person who reads this, feels the same way, and realizes they aren't alone and there's nothing "wrong" with them, then it was worth it to me. 

We all have to be our own kind of mom. It is a unique experience that really does change you forever. A hard phase doesn't define you. It is just a hard time. You have to find how YOU do things, what makes YOU happy as a mom, and what YOU need to do to be ok. For some it could be wearing heels to the park to make them feel better, or posting a selfie to get some validation from others, or throwing extravagant birthday parties because they love to do it, or having a Netflix hour for the kids for your sanity and serving cookies for breakfast to get a few extra minutes in bed... we are all different and all in this struggle together. Throw away the judgement not only of others but of YOURSELF. Do your best and forget the rest. We are all going to be ok. 

What a mighty mighty good man

Oh Ryan. I have a little gushing tribute planned for our anniversary, so I will keep this brief. But I loved getting to celebrate him on Father's Day cause folks, he is a good one. I strive for so many of his parenting qualities. He is so loving, patient, FUN, and great with our kids. He is Kyle's real bff, and seeing how Zoe can melt him basically melts me. Like wow. He always requests tacos al pastor whenever he gets the chance and I have gotten better at making them. He said yesterday's were the best so far. Woo! Thanks for taking such good care of us Ry!

Good vibrations

Saturday we had some fun at Summer Fest. Kyle had a blast on the *ghetto* rides, loved the drums in the parade, got to sit in the pilot's seat of a real helicopter (his life is complete) and then enjoyed the fireworks with friends quite a bit. It was one of those magical days spent with our little family where everything just feels amazing. Summer can do that to ya. 

But really, does life get sweeter than this?

KayZee

So I have had fun thinking of alternatives to referring to Kyle and Zoe as "my kids". Makes me feel old or weird or something. Saying my littles as so so many do these days is just not me. My usual go to is My posse. But today I thought of KayZee. Ya know, like J-Zee sorta? Anyways. This is an update on my two friends Kyle and Zoe.

Kyle *2.5*

• He is hilarious. The things he says... I need to be better at writing them down. I love it, but boy will he talk your ear off.
• He got two molars completing his full set of teeth. Let's not forget he got his first two before 4 months, and had eight by 6 months. Chompers.
• He loves listening to the radio and has to know the name of every artist. He can now identify Pink, Macklemore, Maroon 5, Imagine Dragons, Beyonce, Justin Timberlake, Tay Swift, and a few others correctly every time. 
• He is a very early riser. Let's change that...
• He loves to "work out" daily. 
• He loves melon above all else. 
• He loves friends and cousins, always prefers to be social.
• He is obsessed with cars, trucks, tractors and airplanes.
• He is a mini Ryan. He loves to know how everything works. The only way I got him excited about the splash pad was having Ryan explain to him how the pumps work to shoot the water. He will tell anyone who will listen about pumps and water pressure. He also loves Myth Busters, and other documentary style shows about how things work.
• He is a huge fan of sun screen. Good thing...have you seen the boy?
• He loves to dig in the dirt.
• He loves to play baseball and soccer.
• He is Mr. Independent. Loves picking out his clothes, putting on his own shoes, and insists on attempting pretty much everything "all by myself".
• He can say prayers unassisted.
• He is still half potty trained...really need to finish him off.
• He is very sweet. Always asking how I feel, if I'm ok...things like that.
• He loves to dance. The kid has moves. 
• He also loves to sing. Twinkle Twinkle is his specialty.
• He hates, HATES, above all else to bathe. That's a fun battle daily:)
• He is a true pleasure to be around. Love him SO much.

Zoe *one month*

• Doesn't have many tricks yet, but is perfectly cute enough to make up for it.
• Loves to eat! She eats more now than Kyle at like 4 months. No lie.
• She is a champ at sleeping in her bed at night, but likes to be held all day. Thank goodness its not the other way around.
• She rarely cries. 
• She hates her arms swaddled but loved her legs wrapped nice and tight.
• Goes right to sleep any time I attempt tummy time.
• She is out of the newborn size, though 0-3 are still a bit big.
• She can often be found scowling. Its funny.
• Gives us little smiles, though I doubt they are intentional.
• Hasn't lost any hair...time will tell.
• She is getting fat rolls and several chins. Nothing makes me happier!
• She loves the sun. Loves to bask.
• Obsessed with her. Seriously.

Sweet Summer

Even with a new baby around we have already been able to enjoy so many fun summer activities. Best so far?

• City Creek and Temple Square. Kyle dug up some flowers, Zoe snoozed, and we had a great time. 
• Swimming for the kids and I. We went to the Scera pool one day. Loved it! It took Kyle about 30 minutes to feel like getting in the water but once he did he had a fabulous time! We got him a shave ice after of course.
• Playing with friends and cousins. Kyle loves his cousins so much. It was awesome living close to so many of them. I love watching him play and have fun with other kids. Sometimes I feel bad he is so lonely here all day with me.
• Visiting the temple. "Mom I need my wallet so I can go in the temple and get married please." -Kyle
• Evening baseball. We play with just one base. Kyle LOVES it.
• Picnics. We eat outside a lot. And love it.
• Crafternoon with friends. We made great stuff and Kyle and Emmett loved destroying the house (and sometimes each other) while we did it. Tie dying is ALWAYS a good idea.

Lucky Lucky Lucky

I just want to get some of my recent feelings written down. I have mentioned before how scared I was to have another baby because of the postpartum depression issues I had with Kyle. It was seriously such a dark time for me. And even after I bounced back and snapped out of it, I still didn't REALLY believe people when they said they just loved motherhood, were obsessed with their baby, had never been happier...things like that in regards to their newborn and their life right after a baby. Don't get me wrong, I have always loved Kyle. But I could not relate to those feelings. I just figured I wasn't a baby person. I prefer my kids a little older. I thought this until the very second I saw Zoe.

That overwhelming happiness and love hit instantly. She is about four weeks old now. Sure I have had a few emotional meltdowns and struggled to adjust a bit. But overall I feel joy and gratitude. She is so perfect. So special. When I see pregnant people I want to hug them and tell them they are about to experience the most amazing experience of their lives. It is such a miracle. I can't even begin to explain the feelings. We have known Zo was coming to our family for a while now, before she was actually on her way. The first time I saw her it was like seeing a face I already knew, but had been missing.

I don't love Zoe more than Kyle. Not at all. Having this experience with Zoe has helped me understand a new dimension of motherhood I didn't know before. I feel forever changed. I wouldn't wish what happened to me after Kyle on anyone, but being able to see the difference this time around has been a huge learning experience for me.

It sounds cliche but I don't know what I did to deserve such greatness in my home. Ryan is the best thing that ever happened to me. Kyle is the biggest light and so special. Everyday as I talk and play with him I am blown away by how remarkable he is. When he gives me a kiss and says I love you... I just can't think of anything better. Zoe is already a little piece of perfect. They all deserve better than what I have to offer, but I will spend my whole forever trying to be worthy of their love. I can honestly say, sincerely, I have never been happier. I feel so complete. Above all I am overwhelmed with gratitude for these three choice people in my life.

What's in a name

I like names to have meaning. Kyle is named after my brother who passed away and Ryan's dad. I love it.

Ryan and I have loved the name Zoe for years so it was a no brainier. Her middle name was also an obvious choice. Kate is after Ryan's little sister. We had personal reasons for choosing Kate which I won't share here, but I wanted to explain a bit of the meaning in Zoe's name. 

Katie (I've always called her Kate) is one of the most selfless, caring, sincere, amazing people I have ever known. Ryan and her have always been close, and I totally lucked out when I gained her as a sister. If Zoe grows up to be exactly like her I will be so happy. 

Yesterday Jeff and Kate were able to come meet Zoe. I love this pic of Zo with the amazing girl she's named after. 

Kyle meets Zoe

Kyle came to meet Zoe the day after she was born. He really liked her for about five minutes, and then realized the buttons on my bed made it go up and down...and suddenly nothing was cooler than that. Here are some pictures from his visit.

A Story

This is a birth story. Read it if you like them, skip it if you don't! It is gonna be LONG.

Let's start on Sunday, just for fun. My dear sister had arrived the day before, meaning we were in full HAVE THIS BABY mode, since her trip had to be a short one. We did quite a bit of walking...I was having contractions but nothing extremely regular or exciting.

Monday morning I had a doctor's appointment, also...it was my due date! I went in having high hopes but also tried to prepare myself for "no progress". I had been at a 1.5 for weeks, but they kept saying her head was just too high. Well, we got the same story at this appointment. No progress, and my doctor said he wasn't really wanting to induce since things didn't look super favorable. I really didn't want to be induced, but I was also really sad that it looked like Michelle would miss the birth. My doctor sensed my depression and said he at least wanted me to go in for a non stress test since it was my due date, just to make sure things looked good since I had reported her movement was way down in the last few days.

So Michelle and I dropped our boys off at my moms and headed to the hospital for the test. I went through all of this with Kyle, so I wasn't really expecting anything but to be hooked up to an ultrasound, monitored, and told everything is fine and keep waiting. We got to the hospital and I got hooked up and the tech immediately said "woah, have you been in a lot of pain and extremely uncomfortable?"....(Um YES! I had been so much bigger and in so much more pain than I remembered with Kyle even though I went 41 weeks with him. By 38 weeks this time I was just dying, but I assumed it was just because it was my second and that I probably just didn't remember how hard the end was). Anyways..She then explained I had more than twice the maximum normal amount of fluid. They told me normal is anywhere from 5-20, and I was measuring over 40. This also explained why the baby couldn't get her head down lower. She said no one would have noticed this on me because I didn't have extreme swelling or diabetes, which are the main indicators. She said they wanted to monitor me a little longer and then left.

Michelle and I still didn't think much of this and continued to discuss our People magazine. Then the tech came back and said they needed her to move more, so they used this little thing to make her move. Then she left again. Then after a few minutes she came back and said completely calmly, "Well I showed this to the doctor and he doesn't like how her heart is looking, and there is just too much fluid so we are sending you up to be delivered..." Ummmm what!? I was so shocked. I asked if I could go home and get some things and she said nope, head to the fifth floor they are expecting you. I started to panic a little, maybe a lot. Ryan was at work with no car, I had none of my stuff, I hadn't said bye to Kyle, my baby wasn't doing super great, and I was being induced which I SO did not want. Luckily Michelle kept me calm, called Ryan and told him to get here pronto, and we we headed up.

Once Ryan got there Michelle headed home with a list of things to get. I guess this is why you pack a hospital bag in advance? They gave me a dose or cytotec and we waited. Three hours passed, another dose. Then things got going. Contractions started suddenly and painfully. I had been hoping to go natural, but being induced was so not part of my plan I wasn't sure what would happen. A few hours later I was still at a 1.5. I was starting to feel a little defeated. They decided to start pitocin. Contractions were getting intense. I moved from the bed to the ball and that helped. Michelle and Ryan were a great team to help me. An hour later I was finally at a 4. Some progress!

They really wanted to break my water because her head was still floating high, but it was a risky situation. With as much fluid as I had, there was a huge risk when it broke the cord would come out blocking off the baby's supply. When this happens it is basically impossible to get the baby to safety in time. (SO if my water had broken on its own chance of her being ok would have been basically zero). Their first attempt to break it didn't work. And so we kept waiting. Contractions were hard but I got in the zone and was able to handle them.

It was now 10:00pm. I had been in labor for ten hours, and I was at a 5. I was getting tired, and feeling overwhelmed at the thought this would go on ten more hours or so many more. They then decided to try and break my water again, this time it worked. Wow. As the nurse put it, "we thought you had a small swimming pool in there, turns out it was a large lake!". No one there could believe the amount of fluid. They had to clean the floor twice, everything was soaked. TMI? Trust me I am sparing you some of the details. Anyways the minute my water was broken the contractions jumped to a pain I had never experienced and they were long and right on top of each other. I started to weigh my options. I had wanted to go naturally, but I also was defeated at the thought of endless hours more of this. I was shaking and cold from being soaked still, I was so out of it... I told Michelle I wanted the epidural. With no hesitation she told the nurse and they said lets check you just to make sure you aren't about there, I wasn't. So they ordered the epidural. From here on out is a total blur to me, but Ryan and Michelle have helped fill in the blanks.

From this point on there were SO many people in the delivery room. I think at least 10 or 12. The epidural came and definitely took the edge off, but it was light enough I still felt quite a bit of pain, which I liked. Then all of a sudden I felt like if I didn't push right this second I was going to die. Literally. This surprised me because so little time had gone by. They checked me and sure enough, I was ready. I had gone from a 5 to a ten in an hour. I was so out of it the rest of this I don't remember. From my memory I was just trying to stay conscious and get this baby out. I was exhausted.

When it was time to push I guess she was showing major signs of distress. Her heart rate was dropping fast. One doctor recommended a c section but my main doctor said by the time they got me into that it would take as long as if I could just push her out on my own fast. I had no idea anyone was worried about anything. Ryan's face looked intense...but given the situation I thought it was normal. Michelle and the nurse just kept telling me I was doing a good job. I pushed two times, then I heard the doctor say we have to cut her (third degree eek). I pushed again and they said we need forceps and someone literally left the room running to get them. I pushed again and she was out. She was blue and didn't cry right away, Ryan was crying which is super crazy for him. Meanwhile I still had no clue there was ever a problem. She let out a little cry, they took her away, and she started doing well.

I looked at her from across the room and just saw Kyle. She looked exactly like Kyle. I felt so overwhelmed with joy and so much relief it was over. I don't regret anything about the experience. Maybe had I known I would progress so fast I wouldn't have gotten the epidural, but at the same time it was so light I still felt as much as I wanted to, and I was able to walk right after. I'm so glad I went so long without one too, because the labor journey was really awesome for me this time, unlike Kyle. It was just that, a journey, an experience in which I was an active participant. It was truly an amazing experience.

So officially Zoe Kate was born at 11:47 pm on May 20, her due date. She was 6 lbs 2 oz and 19.5 inches long. She is perfection.

We feel really blessed in how everything happened. Had we not gone in for that test, she might not have made it. She was showing so many signs of distress, the placenta was showing signs of being old, and the blood in the cord was close to being too acidic to sustain her (which is why she was blue and had a plummeting heart rate during delivery). She needed to come out exactly when she did, and with all the fluid I never would have gone into labor on my own until it was too late. It was a crazy day and I never dreamed it would happen how it did, but I am so grateful for every part of it.

The End

For months I have been battling this sad feeling of Kyle not being my only one anymore. I am so excited and grateful to have a little girl join our family, but it is hard for me to accept things will never again be the same. It is the end of an era for us. Ryan, Julie, Kyle. We make a rather fantastic team if you ask me. I love us. I love nothing more, NOTHING, then hanging out with Ryan and Kyle. I know I will love this baby girl too and all that, but I think for today, I will just let myself dwell on this phase, and feel sad it is ending.

Kyle is a dream. I know everyone says that about their own children and now I know why. He brings me laughter, love, and amazement on a daily basis. Having a toddler is an opportunity to see the world in a whole new way. Airplanes going by, or construction on the side of the road are suddenly huge events to be celebrated and discussed. Things that would otherwise go unnoticed and suddenly meaningful parts of the day. And the conversations we have? Quality I am telling you. You can't be in a hurry when you have a toddler. And I have learned, if you let your life slow down with theirs, something wonderful happens. You talk about different bugs on the way to the car, you take time to say hello to every duck in the park, you take 20 minutes to put on flip flops because they want to try it themselves, you take three times as long to make dinner because they are helping, the list goes on forever...and it is sort of magical. Now sometimes things just need to be done, but the days I run on Kyle time? They are such great days. I learn so much living through Kyle's eyes. I just love the curiosity and discovery that is happening constantly (though I admit to losing it occasionally with all the what's that? what happened?)

Kyle has been a great sidekick for the last two and a half years. He has taught me so much, and we have come a long ways. He is so special. I can't even comprehend how much more he will teach me and the things we will go through together but I hope he can always understand how loved he is. He is a special boy. We had a bit of a rough start. I struggled a lot becoming a mom and of course still have daily battles to face, but I am so grateful for the relationship we have now. He is my buddy, my best friend, my Kyle. He is the coolest person I know.

So yes I am ready to add to our party, I know she will be super cool too. But wow am I grateful for the years we have spent as a party of three. I hope this girl knows how lucky she is getting someone like Kyle as her older brother. Seriously. Team Lundy forever!

Zion

Starting a few years ago we sort of started a tradition that at the end of every winter semester we would take a little trip down to Zion National Park. It is my favorite place in the world. It is so beautiful in a unique way, and there are some awesome hikes. We haven't been able to go the last two years, so we thought it would be fun to make it happen again this year. It was our first time taking Kyle, and I was 37 weeks pregnant, so it was a little different than usual, but still so amazing.

We just did some of the easier hikes, and it was perfect. Kyle had a great time. We usually camp but this time stayed in a hotel...never going back! I loved the hotel experience. We also enjoyed a meal at Oscar's of course. SO delicious. I definitely missed the intense hikes, but this little weekend away was a dream for us. It was a quick trip because Ryan had to get back to start spring term, but I am SO happy we got to go. If you haven't been, you really need to go! It is close by, and really has something for everyone in my opinion. Seriously...the candy shop on main street...holy yum. Really. Something for everyone.

Can't wait to go back!

Shower Time

My friends are basically the best around. They threw me the cutest shower for this little lady that is about to arrive. I was SO grateful to them and to everyone who came. We were seriously spoiled. It finally kind of hit me not only that I am having a baby..but a GIRL. It got me way more excited for the world of girl. Can't thank everyone enough! Showers in my honor give me anxiety...I hate being the center of attention. But I actually had a WONDERFUL time. So seriously, thank you! I wish I had taken more/better pics. They did everything black and white, just like her nursery. Loved everything.

Long story short...

Haven't been in the mood to blog and it also hasn't been a priority really. I so wish these and a lot of other things had their own posts...but oh well. But I really do want to summarize a few things that have happened the last few months. In no particular order...

• Ran the Rex Lee 5k as a family...in a blizzard. But we still had a good time!
• Easter! We had a fabulous egg hunt and crepe bar with my family, and enjoyed dyeing eggs together later.
• School. We wrapped up the semester! Thank goodness! It was rough, but it is over! Maybe another post on that...
• A fun weekend trip to Rexburg to visit Jeff and Kate. We had a great time!
• BYU tennis matches.
• Conference weekend was great! With the added fun of a bridal show with Kate!
• Walking down to see the pigs.
• Ryan decided to teach a class at BYU for spring term

I know there is a lot more but I can't think of it right now... hopefully I will get to some single posts on other events soon.

Kyle on Easter

Ryan's Artistic Side

Ok really I have so many real events to catch up on here but instead....here is this.

Lately I have developed this habit where when I am sad or stressed out I google "cats with wigs" and all these pictures come up....and for some reason it instantly cheers me up. I usually end up laughing until I cry. It is weird I know, and I am not usually entertained by the current cat craze...but these pictures really get me. Anyways, Ryan caught me in the act a few weeks ago so I came clean about my new practices.

THEN.

Today I get this email from Ryan.

And instantly my terrible day became the best day. Ryan made this...using Tom Kirkland's hair (sports guy on KSL with ridiculous hair we always talk about). Anyways. The fact Ryan made this and sent it to me? Holy smokes he is my favorite.

The Wagon

I have a lot of things I want to catch on and blog about but don't have much time right now, so here is this instead. A Paleo update! I learned a lesson today for about the millionth time and wanted to share...

Lately I have fallen off the wagon a bit. Pregnancy has taken over, and I feel too tired to worry too much about what I am eating. It definitely hasn't been a free for all, I have tried to still be cautious with what I am eating, but there have been WAY too many cheats going on. Well I have also been feeling terrible lately. SO much heartburn, nausea, fatigue, and just plain blahness. I just attributed all of this to being towards the end of my pregnancy. Trust me, I am more than happy to do what needs to be done to get this baby here, but the end can be a challenge.

Well after an especially difficult night it hit me that maybe I was making things worse for myself by what I had been eating. I decided to recommit to eating the way I believe is the best for me and see if it made a difference. HOLY SMOKES! For the first time in weeks I went a full 24 hours (including overnight) without taking any Tums (I usually max out the dosage every day), I didn't throw up at all, and have felt so. much. better.

I have learned a thousand and five times that for me, eating habits are everything. I don't know why I consistently forget the difference it makes and give in to the things I know make me sick. I love a good cheat every now and then, and my body can totally handle that, but on a regular basis, I have to remember for ME, it just isn't worth it. Feeling that way is not worth it. So I am back on now, but will still be cheating occasionally.

It was just a good reminder that I need to take care of my body a little better. Looks or weight aside, I just need to feel good, and what I eat has the power to make or break that. So I fell off the wagon, luckily its always close enough to hop right back on!

Homestretch

I always consider hitting 30 weeks the homestretch of pregnancy. 10 (ish) weeks to go! It is crazy to me to be at this point. It honestly still hasn't quite sunk in we are actually having a BABY soon. We are getting really excited. So since this is a good milestone I thought it was time for a little pregnancy update. Here are some pics of the development...

I wear the same clothes several times a week...too cheap to buy many maternity clothes I suppose. I feel like at this point I can just tough it out right?

Things have been going great! The heartburn, swelling, back pain, and trouble sleeping have all arrived on cue but really it isn't bad at all. I am happy to do it, reminds me what I am working for! And if I make wise choices I can actually keep all symptoms to a minimum. No complaints here. I might take this back later, but I am happy to have 9 (ish) weeks to go! I am in no hurry...yet.

The best news is that I no longer have to go to school spring term! I was planning on going, and it was sort of stressing me out. The thought of having a baby one day, and trying to get back to class the next day made me not so excited. I know people do it, and I know I could have done it, but thanks to Ryan spending hours playing around with my remaining requirements we figured out it isn't really needed. SO grateful. It has made me so much more excited to actually have the baby...without the added stress of school.

We aren't sure Kyle totally gets what is going on. Though he talks to Baby X (no her name doesn't start with an X literally, just what I am referring to her as) regularly, and we talk about it a lot I still think he is in for a few surprises. I am sure he will make a fabulous big brother.

Besides being way more sick at the beginning this time than I was with Kyle, this pregnancy has been so much better. I feel so much better than I did with Kyle at this point. I am so grateful! We in no way have everything "ready" for her to come yet, but we will get there. I am excited to not be pregnant anymore, but I am also trying to enjoy and soak up everything I can about this pregnancy. It is such a gift, and I want to always treat it that way.

SO I have totally rambled with no point here. Basically we are healthy and happy over here, and hope to enjoy our last few weeks as a family of 3 getting ready to welcome Baby X!

Farm Boy

When we decided Ryan should get a PhD and delay moving for three years, I was a little crushed. I don't hate it here or anything, I just felt ready to move on to the next stage. Anyways, in a way to make myself happy to stay I made a Top 10 Reasons Here is Cool list. I didn't know it then, but seeing Kyle enjoy life on a farm should have been #1. (If you don't know, we rent what used to be my grandparents house that sits on 120 acres of land in Orem.)

Last summer Kyle definitely loved playing outside, but as time has gone on and he has gotten a little older, I am really seeing what a dream land this place is for a little boy. Not only does it have tractors and trucks to ride, it has pigs, llamas, horses, and a huge barn to explore all close by. Yesterday the weather felt amazing, so we took Kyle out to play for a while. He played basketball for a while and then asked to open the shed to get his car out. Little did he know, we had a much cooler car for him this year. Last year Ryan's Dad fixed up Ryan's old power wheel that he used to drive around. It had been in our shed waiting for Kyle, and it was received very well.

Kyle is OBSESSED with cars, trucks, planes, and tractors. Having one to drive all by himself was a dream come true. He drove it around all afternoon. Watching him was when I realized oh, most little boys don't have a whole farm to drive their truck around on. We won't live here forever, but it is sure fun watching him live it up while he can.

I am thinking the day we drive a away from here to a culdesac and normal sized yard might be a hard day for Kyle. So, here's to staying a few more years and letting Kyle enjoy being a farm boy.

On believing.

If you know me you know I love baseball, specifically the St. Louis Cardinals. I love the game, I love the venues, I love the seasons it is played in,I love the memories it creates,  but that is all for another day. I bring this up because I want to write a bit about a quote their recently retired manager, Tony La Russa, said when being asked about the miraculous game six the Cards ended up winning against all odds.

When being interviewed about his thoughts during the game he said he always believed they would win. When asked why, he said,

"Because it is more fun to believe"

 This simple statement struck me on so many levels. I am married to an eternal optimist. Ryan refuses to ever see anything but the bright side of things. While in the past I have believed this only sets you up for disappointment or heartache, watching Ryan for the past five years has taught me this isn't the case. He is happy, has peace all the time, and takes things in stride. When the outcome is bad despite his hopes, he shrugs it off with ease and never regrets the hope he had while going through the experience. Any sporting event we watch (which is A LOT), he has always asked me, "do you believe?". It is simple but complex question.

So Ryan and La Russa really had me thinking. This thought can really be applied to so many things. Isn't is more fun to believe? Isn't it more fun to imagine success rather than failure? Isn't it more fun to hope for the best outcome in any situation? Isn't it more fun to believe everything will always be ok one way or another? This blind faith and hope in things might be considered naive to some, but to me, it is an attitude I want to adopt fully in my life. It is more fun to believe, in yourself, in the people around you, in your goals, in the Lord, in surviving, and even in your favorite team's ability to win the World Series when it seems impossible.

I have always been bogged down with the "what ifs" that kill my hope and belief. I have thought it is just a young stupid mistake to always believe in the best without weighing all that could go wrong. But why? Why not choose hope, belief, and happiness? Sure, things won't always work out. Things will go wrong. We will be disappointed  Life will be hard. But if you aren't going to try and believe in yourself and in the things you want most, then who will? And when they do not turn out as planned, have you lost anything by spending the process being positive and hopeful? I don't think so. I understand this is a concept that can be argued, but for me, I think it is more fun to believe.

Also? Let's all get ready for another season of MLB! Go Cards!

Kyle

Kyle is the best. Here is what he has been doing and saying lately.

• He now greets Ryan and I every time he sees us by saying "Oh hey guys". He always calls us "guys"...makes me laugh.
• After the tennis match the other night this was his prayer, "Thank you for tennis. Thank you I find a ball. Thank you for balls. Thanks you for Kyle's balls. Thank you for Daddy's balls"....and continued to say thank you for every person he knows balls'.
• While one the phone for about 20 minutes with Mick Mouse I hear him say "Oh you know those muppets. Those craaaazy muppets."
• In the car with Emmett on the way to Chuck E Cheese a Taylor Swift song came on and he yelled. "Its Taylor Swift! Its Taylor Swift Emmett!"
• If you change the song in the car from one he likes he shouts, Hey! until you turn it back.
• He is constantly singing his own songs, the lyrics are always different combinations of Mickey Mouse and Elmo.
• He uses our egg slicer like a guitar, carries it around and strums it while he sings.
• He sings the ABC's and always hold out the last note until you start clapping.
• He asks to play with cousins and friends daily.
• He loves to cook and be in the kitchen.
• He throws tantrums like nothing I have seen before, but usually only for me.
• He gets a bit violent if you take something from him.
• He insists on getting in his car seat all by himself now.
• He asks for his hair to be combed every morning, then closes his eyes and asks for spray.
• He is constantly talking about something. Anything, just always talking. 
• He loves finding money and saving it to go on rides when we go to the store.
• He is a total Daddy's boy. Always wants Ryan. To play, to cuddle, to carry him, everything is better with Ryan around. I have to say I agree.
• He loves cars, tractors, planes, and tools. 
• He also loves to put on chapstick with a brush.
• He clears his plate after every meal. So sweet.
• He loves flushing the toilet.
• His favorite food is melon of any kind. 

Lately

Lately. Lately I have been feeling like I am treading water to just barely keep my head afloat, but the good news is, I am yet to go under! I miss doing smaller posts on single events, but for now these recaps will have to suffice as my journaling. SO what has our little family been up to as of late?

• Most exciting news is the first thing that comes to mind....we got a new oven! In case you are one of the lucky people I haven't complained about my oven to, just know it was bad. It has never worked properly for the two years we have lived here. I have lost so many dinners and treats to the curse of that oven. We also only had one functioning burner on our stove and it took like an hour to heat up. No good folks. So this last week the long awaited event of a new oven and stove happened! BEAUTIFUL. I just want to cook all the time. OH! And did I mention it is a gorgeous GE double oven? Cha. Life changing. I have been literally hugging it, and Kyle sits and watches things bake (because there is a light you can turn on inside!?)
• We baked a delicious chocolate cheesecake to celebrate the fact that we could.
• Valentine's Day was fun! The actual day of I only saw Ryan for about 10 minutes, but we had a fun date the next weekend. We go to Outback every year because we always have a gift card. I always order lamb because it is the only time it is an option. And I love it.
• Kyle and I did a little vday craft. And when I say little I mean it was a $3 pre made banner kit from Walmart we put together. He LOVED it. It was a good lesson to me that sometimes going simple (and maybe tacky) is best.
• Ryan and Kyle have been spending a lot of time flying the rc helicopters. Kyle is obsessed.
• We went to a BYU tennis match and Kyle got some one on one time with Cosmo.
• Ryan has taken on some consulting jobs on the side, which he loves. 
• Kyle keeps getting cooler like every.single.day.
• We got our bedrooms painted thanks to Kels! 
• I made the baby girl a quilt for her new room (third trimester has arrived eek)
• I make wings. A lot.
• Kyle has been going on more tractor rides with Papa.
• Ryan and I took Kyle and his friend Emmett to Chuck E Cheese the other night for a bit. I have never seen them happier.
• I got my very first A on a test at BYU. Like ever. 
• Ryan saves my behind daily. Really.
• We started decorating Kyle's new room.
• The new salon is working great so far!
• Kyle spent an evening with Brynn and Trevor and had a fabulous time.
• Kyle made whipped cream for the first time. He found it fascinating. 

Humor Me

I feel like I have been going off on tangents a lot lately...so just skip this if you are sick of me. But I feel like I have been learning a lot lately, and I wanted to share a common theme I have been feeling the passed few weeks.

Before I started back to school I felt like my life was full. My to do list was always long, my days were busy, and I had quite enough going on with being a wife, mom, and working a little bit. I didn't feel like I had loads of unoccupied time. Because of this, when I thought of adding a 17 credit school load to my life I was a little overwhelmed. Where would it fit? I knew it would require a lot of time and work, and I honestly did not see a place for it in my life. But I knew it was what I was supposed to do so I went forward.

I just have to say it has been so amazing for me to watch it play out. Not only have I had time for everything, but I feel like I am doing better at getting it all done than I was before. My menu planning, dinner prep, cleaning, laundry, and fun activities with Kyle have all improved and somehow I am still juggling my clients and schoolwork. Now don't get me wrong, my house isn't always clean, sometimes we eat meals that can hardly be called meals, and most of all, I have had A LOT of help. I have had babysitting help while I go to class, and Ryan has been such a champ at making sure I succeed. It has blown my mind, and means so much to me that people in my life are so supportive of me doing something I find important.

I was chatting with my wiser than I sister in law the other day and she said some things I really liked. She has A LOT going on in her life and was also pointing out that it is amazing how you just learn to make the important things fit, and by doing so you really learn what is important. That is when I really started thinking about it all. I am learning so much about time management and how to be the most productive person I can be. Last time I was in school I was a constant stress mess always barely getting by, but now I have my assignments done and am doing better on tests than I ever did before. It is all such a new world to me. Aside from finishing my degree and learning the things in my classes, I have already learned so much about priorities and how to be better for my family. I can't believe it is all a coincidence that Kyle often wakes up from napping as I type the last word of a paper, or that I have been able to understand and finish assignments so much faster than before. The only time I have to take away from Kyle is the actual class time, and the actual work time. I have been able to fit all my homework in while he is sleeping...and when I am away from him he is either with Ryan, or other family/close friends. It is all falling into place, and though I am really tired, I am so grateful for this whole experience. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and discouraged, but I really try to remember to just count my blessings and realize what a miracle this is for my life. I just try to forget I have to keep this up for another year and three months:)

Papa's Tractor

It has been amazing to me how drawn Kyle is to "boy things" without any real encouragement. This little man is OBSESSED with trucks, tractors, dump trucks, and airplanes. He goes crazy. As luck would have it, both his grandpas (Papa) have some fun toys. Between the two of them Kyle gets rides in 2 big trucks, a tractor, 4 wheeler, razor atv, and a dump truck. He asks constantly for rides, and must be pretty persuasive because he gets them pretty often. It is so sweet. I can't help but love watching Kyle explore the farm. You don't get this kinda stuff living in an apartment or cul-de-sac. It is a little boy's dream down here. So here is to Kyle getting to be a farm boy for a few more years, and to being a Papa's boy.

Lately

I feel like I haven't done a "what we have been up to" post in a while. We haven't done anything too crazy, but here is what our lives have looked like lately.

• Cheesecake Factory and Les Mis with some of Ryan's siblings. We don't hang out without everyone's kids very often, so this was great! Cheesecake Factory might be the happiest place on Earth too...
• Skipping class to have lunch with Ryan. It takes me back to the first 6 months of our marriage when we were both students...love it.
• Moving the salon downstairs, Kyle to the salon, and prepping Kyle's old room to be a nursery again.
• Some crafting.
• Ryan has been playing lots of tennis and basketball.
• Watching the Australian Open
• I got to help Kate at a Bridal Fair. Love it...AND they stayed the weekend. Love even more. AND we watched Downton Abbey. Love. Love. Love.
• Kyle has been painting.
• Ryan and Kyle do lots of dishes.
• Eating a lot of new Paleo food. So far so yum.
• I attempted buffalo wings for the first time in honor of the Super Bowl and LOVED them. I only started one small fire in the process...
• Some Ikea shopping.
• Prepping to have a girl come into the fam... ya know, the important stuff like buying pink glitter shoes.
• Late night homework parties. I would die without Ryan, he is so much help when it comes to school.
• A lot of clients for me, I have had fun with creative color lately.
• Watching The Lorax. Often.
• Story time at the library.
• I have been expanding.
• Lots of dancing, singing, and making up songs with Kyle.
• Lots of driving back and forth to BYU.
• Ryan has been shoveling a lot. (yesterday morning he looked out the window and yelled,"I am so sick of living in this white abyss!"...spring fever anyone?)

So nothing too exciting or crazy, but worth updating anyways. This is life. Life is pretty good. 

Paleo Learning Curve

So as with any lifestyle change, there is a lot to learn when deciding to go paleo. It can be so overwhelming at first. When I first started looking into it I sort of felt like it was out of reach. I couldn't imagine eliminating so many food groups, and finding the time and money to live this way. So I started trying to do some research online. There is TONS out there. But I felt like most of it wasn't what I was looking for.

There were a lot of fitness experts, health fanatics, and "power couples" who shared useful tips, but the recipes included crazy, hard to find (and really expensive) ingredients, and honestly the food didn't look like something my husband or two year old would be pleased with. They are doing great things, I just didn't feel like it applied to my lifestyle. So I started to wonder is it was really possible for ME to do this. Let me qualify what "me" means here...

I am a...mom, wife to a husband who doesn't care much for nutrition, and doesn't get excited by a healthy lifestyle, full time student/part time hairstylist (aka not a ton of time to worry about food prep), pregnant, non paleo expert, girl who is living on a very tight student budget. I needed to make this work on little time, little money, and normal yummy food my family would enjoy eating. SO! That being said, I thought I would share some things I learn as I go on this journey. Just in case anyone out there is more like me.

Let me say again, I do NOT consider myself an expert by any stretch of the imagination. But I am learning as I go, and it is really working for me. So what have I learned so far?

• The cook book Paleo Slow Cooking, by Chrissy Gower is AMAZING. The ingredients are normal, the prep is short, and the food is great. I can throw it in the crock pot before I leave in the morning and we come home to a delicious dinner ready and waiting. If you are serious about going paleo, this book is worth your money.
• Getting everything you can't have out of the house, and fully stocking your pantry with lots of things you can have, will eliminate the temptation to cheat. Sure, I cheat, but having to go out and get the item I am cheating with rather than having it at my constant reach is key. When there is a good variety of things I can have always around me, I am less inclined to think of the things I can't have.
• It is possible to make paleo dessert, but in my opinion it is better to just limit your desserts and eat the real thing when you decide to splurge. The paleo brownie isn't as good as a real brownie...so just eat the real one, but make sure it is limited, and worth it.
• When it comes to the 85% rule, rather than going crazy and having anything and everything with the other 15%, use it for small things. Ryan for example doesn't like using lettuce for his taco shells like I do, so he uses corn tortillas and counts that towards with cheats. While pregnant a glass of milk in the morning makes me feel so much better sometimes, so a few mornings a week I allow myself a nice glass of milk with breakfast. Sure there have been bigger splurges in there too, but plan your week ahead and think of when you might need to cheat. Just plan. It makes it so much easier.
• On that note, make a menu. If you just come home and have no dinner plans, you will be far more tempted to go for quick and easy and often not healthy. Simply having a plan will eliminate so much stress. Chances are if you don't have a meal planned, you will venture off the path.
• That being said, have "quick fixes" ready. I like to grill chicken, hard boil eggs, and wash and chop fruits and veggies to have in the fridge at the beginning of each week. This way when plans fall through, or you are hungry and in a hurry, there are healthy options quick and easy there for you. 
• Make sure you have variety. I get bored easily. I can't have the same thing everyday for very long. It is nice to have staples to fall back on, but get creative. I have found at the beginning it was very helpful for me to stick to the book. Make exact recipes, and stick to the really straightforward option. The longer I go now, the more I am venturing out and trying my own creations and recipes. I think it is so fun to sit and think of new meals I can make. But having a hard copy cook book is awesome in the beginning to give you direction.
• There are a few things we always cheat on. I don't buy grass fed beef, organic, or worry too much about spices being totally paleo approved. This helps keep things within budget, and makes finding ingredients simple.
• Shop the perimeter of the grocery store. Almost everything you need is found there, rather than in the middle. 
• Eat less expensive meats, and go heavy on the veggies. This keeps cost down.

We really have been loving our paleo journey. Ryan has admitted several times that he feels so much better after a paleo meal then after a cheat meal. I am also loving it being pregnant. I can't believe how much better I feel so far with this pregnancy than I did with Kyle. There is no comparison. I still have a lot to learn, but it is going well so far. I will keep you posted as I go, and any recipes I try that I make up, or find online rather than a copywrited cookbook I will try to share every now and then. Happy eating! 

Victory

It is easy for me to look through "defeat goggles" at the end of each day. I see what I didn't get done or what i didn't do well enough. Today I decided I should count my victories instead. Just the small things, like getting the laundry done (or started even), getting a work out in, learning something at school, making Kyle laugh, or sometimes just making it home to say I lived another day. Every day is full of victories. And sometimes I like to remember the big victories in my life so far to motivate me to remember that I can do hard things.

If you allow it I think the daily victories will always trump that day's defeats. It just depends on which ones you are willing to count up at the end of each day.

Ya scared me!

Just some thoughts for this lovely Thursday...

I'm scared, like terrified, to have another baby. 

I'm scared to go through postpartum depression again...first months of Kyle's life were literally the very worst months of my life so far. I was beyond a mess. It surprised me, I was unprepared, and I didn't want to admit that to anyone. But it was a very dark place, and going back there scares me stiff. I am glad now I don't blame myself for feeling that way anymore. I dream of being a PPD awareness activist someday, cause holy smokes it is so real. People out there need to be aware, and to be helped.

I'm scared of gaining a million pounds and losing all my sense of identity like last time.

I'm scared to give a speech in public speaking tonight...eek.

I'm scared of how long this awkward hair phase of mine is lasting...my head is a bulb. Its cool.

I think it is ok to be scared sometimes.

I have overcome a lot of fears in the last few weeks. I'm proud of that.

I am obsessed with my chemistry class, which is both shocking and confusing. Doing chemistry with Ryan after Kyle goes to sleep is honestly something I look forward to.

I will never be a vegetarian and I wish one of my professors would stop trying to force it on us. Seriously guy, to each their own. Back off.

My favorite playlist is full of One Direction, Justin Timberlake, and the Beibs. And I am totally ok with that.

I feel happy and lucky to be living this life.

I want to redecorate my house, but I need someone else to pick everything out.

I sometimes feel like I am living in the twilight zone, but since it is a smooth ride I don't mind.

Ryan is my favorite person, best friend, and the coolest person I know. He is also hilarious, and plays air tennis really well while watching the Open.

I really look forward to going to class, even the hard ones.

Kyle is the coolest little kid I have ever known. I try to live like I deserve to have him around, cause he is a treat.

Doing something every single day that pushes me a little is proving to be a tiring, but awesome way to live. I really feel like I am growing. I am so grateful for it. 

Have an awesome Thursday!

Kyle Favorites

A few things Kyle has done/said lately that I want to remember

• My most not favorite thing that has started is Kyle's fits, temper tantrums, throwing things, hitting other kids, and inability to share. Anything. Terrible 2's? He is still the sweetest most of the time though.
• Said while Ryan was tickling him and he was trying to talk to me "hey, hey, hey, I talking to Mommy"
• I asked him to come eat his breakfast and he said " I be back in a few minutes Mommy..." and went to play with his toys.
• "I wake up!"...every single morning as he busts out of his room.
• He walked in on me getting dressed and said "Oh mommy you nude! So Handsome!"...oh dear.
• "Where my Nemo phone? I need call Mick Mouse"...every morning.
• On a call with Mick when we were trying to get out the door, "Ok Mick Mouse, I got go, I got go now."
• Getting him out of jammies every morning is a battle.
• Most mornings he runs into my salon, climbs into the chair and says, "haircut please Mommy."
• Said to me the afternoon before my nail appointment, "um where your colors Mommy?"...then he suggested I choose green next time.
• His songs he makes up while sitting at the piano are getting better and better.
• He remembers specific things about people forever. Kelsey gave him strawberries while babysitting him days ago and still every once and a while he says, "Kelsey give me strawberries, yummmmy" just out of nowhere.
• On school mornings when Ryan and I are heading out "Mommy Daddy stay home!"...sad.
• As soon as Ryan walks in the door he grabs his finger and says, "come play, come play Daddy"

I wish I could remember everything. He is just so small that most things he says make me laugh. He is so grown up now, and I love it.

Coming Out

I have been debating on weather to blog about this...mostly because I don't like to deal with the drama of people's opinions. Before I go any further let me be clear, I am talking about diet here not some big secret issue. I eat Paleo. That's it.

I first heard of the Paleo diet about a year ago when my brother started doing it. I have always been against any eating plan that didn't allow flexibility and some indulgences so I quickly wrote him off as crazy and didn't think much more about it. Then time passed and I started to think about it again. Besides my brother turning into a lean machine, I wanted to achieve better health...I was on the hunt.

I have a nutrition background as I spent most of my time at BYU before as an exercise science major. I am sort of a nutrition nerd. I love the chemistry behind it and I love understanding what your body does with what you give it. (I get so giddy and passionate and diet and exercise. I love to watch it change my life, and would love nothing more than to help others experience that joy. My favorite part of doing hair is helping people feel better about themselves. By finishing my exercise and wellness degree I also hope to learn the tools I need to help myself and others achieve their own personal happy place). I also love carbs, sugar, and junk food of all kinds. I also have always struggled with digestion problems, stomach pain, feeling like a blob, needed my gallbladder out, and so much more.

It was in November I believe that I drove my brother home from the airport. We started talking Paleo and it started making a lot of sense. He gave me a book to read. I finished it in two days. I was almost a believer. It made so much sense to me. Returning to our roots, eating how people ate before cancer, infertility, obesity and type two diabetes were commonplace in our society. I wanted to know more, so I read another book. I loved this one even more than the first. It was full of WHY Paleo is smart. The science is there. The logic is there. I loved this not as a diet to lose weight, but I decided I wanted to adopt it as my permanent way of life.

Ryan was not so easy to convince. He likes to be healthy, but doesn't care much at all about actual nutrition or what the food is doing inside his body. He doesn't struggle with any major health problems, and thought Paleo sounded extreme and difficult. However, he wanted to lose some weight, and since I was converting he said he would give it a try. The longer he does it the more I am convinced he might never go back.

So what is Paleo? In short, it is a "hunter gatherer diet". It is dairy free, grain (and therefore gluten) free, and sugar free, with the exception of fruit. It also encourages fresh food free of additives and preservatives. You eat this way 85% of the time, meaning three meals a week can have "cheats" in them, though I rarely find a need to venture out of Paleo approved foods.

I am new to this. I don't know everything. I don't expect everyone to think it is a wonderful idea, but it is something I am becoming more and more passionate about. I believe in it. Being pregnant, I am clearly not in it for the weight loss, I am in it for a healthy lifestyle.

In the short time since I started hardcore Paleo, I have already noticed changes. Including:

• more energy
• better quality of sleep at night
• weight loss (for Ryan)
• Fat loss for me. 
• very healthy steady pregnancy weight gain. I gained 50 pounds when I was pregnant with Kyle. It was in no way healthy and I felt terrible all the time, even worse after delievery. I lost control. This time so far I am on a MUCH healthier track to gaining only the weight needed for a healthy pregnancy.
• Virtually zero digestion pains or issues.
• no more lethargic blah feeling after we eat
• improved body image
• A whole new perspective on food. When I choose not to eat something it isn't because "that will make me fat", it is because "that is not good for me, it won't make me feel good". This is such a healthier, more positive way to live emotionally.
• I don't obsess about food as much. I don't crave things terribly. 
• Tonight we ate our first "cheat" meal...afterwards Ryan said "wow, I don't feel good at all. I think I would have rather eaten completely Paleo"....I am converting him! Not me really, the results do the converting. 
• I have gotten creative in the kitchen. I love preparing our meals.

I have hesitated saying anything publicly for a few reasons. I really am not a confrontational person. I don't like to argue. It is totally fine if you don't agree with me, and I am open to friendly conversation, but I hate feeling attacked. It is not how I roll. I also feel so new at this I feel silly claiming it as my lifestyle, and I still don't have all the answers. Lastly, I considered waiting for 3 to 6 months and reporting more results. BUT then I thought..

Why not share my journey? Maybe you have been considering Paleo? Maybe you have never heard of it? Maybe you want to try it but find it intimidating or overwhelming? Well whatever the case may be, I hope maybe I can help a little by sharing my journey. Sure, I want to have all those great physical results too. Who doesn't want to look great? But for now, I am embracing how healthy and free I feel, even being pregnant. So I am sharing. I am learning as I go, but finding it is much easier than I anticipated and think I will love documenting my learning here. This isn't a resolution, or a short term diet, this is a lifestyle, and I am loving living it!

Resources:

If you want to know more I HIGHLY recommend reading:

The New Evolution Diet by Art De Vany

The Paleo Solution by Robb Wolf

And an awesome cook book to get you started is:

Paleo Slow Cooking by Chrissy Gower

I refuse to become that preachy annoying person always talking about this. But this blog is a place where I can share whatever I want, so I will!

Dr. Seuss

"You're off to great places. Today is your day. Your mountain is waiting so get on your way."

Story time is sometimes the most insightful time of my day.

Resolutions

It is that time of year again. I actually love it. I love the feeling of the fresh start. I love setting goals. I love reflecting and seeing how far I have come, and where I could use improvement. This year is no different...but as I make resolutions I really think I only have one.

This year is full of new territory for me. I start a 17 credit semester at BYU tomorrow. College itself is not new, but doing it like this, in the phase of life is all new. It makes me nervous. I am not nervous I won't be able to do it, I know I can, but at what cost? I am stressed about always having arrangements made for Kyle. I am stressed about juggling home and school. I am stressed that maybe I am asking too much from too many people. But most of all, honestly, I am worried about becoming that stressed out monster I know I once was.

For most of my life I was obsessed about taking on as much as possible. Starting in high school I worked too many hours, and put way too much pressure on myself. Telling people how much I was juggling became a source of pride. Like, look how much I can handle! Idiocy. My first year of BYU nearly killed me. I was a mess. If not for a good roommate to talk me down and play hilarious sloth videos online, I would have exploded from stress. Anyways that pattern has always continued. I take on too much, and everyone close to me suffers because of it.

Then one day a little less than two years ago I snapped out of it. I was doing it to myself, so why don't I take control of it? I not only started finding ways to deal with the stress life threw at me, I started to eliminate the stress itself. I didn't take on so much. I made time to do things that made me really happy. I focused on being my happy self and being present to the people most important to me. I asked Ryan to help keep me in check, and he deserves a trophy for his patience with me through it all. I have been in such a good place. Sure I still get irritable, but my stress induced tantrums have been eliminated. I no longer find myself lashing out at the people close to me. I have loved it. I say no to things I don't think I can take on, I set limits for myself, and I accept change and disappointment so much better.

I still feel like school is the right thing for me right now. I feel incredibly lucky to have this opportunity to not only finish what I started, but spend a lot of time each week learning about something I am passionate about. But about a week ago it got real. I started really thinking about everything going back to school actually meant. A lot of time away from Kyle, always having someone to watch him while I am at school, finding time to do homework, balancing my hair clients, working out getting Ryan and I too and from work and school with only one car, keeping my house clean and food made, and finding time for down time with Ryan and Kyle as well as personal down time to do my stress coping activities. Not to mention I found out I have to go spring term, which means I have to have a baby one day, and go to class the next. Stay with me here this is not meant to be a "I am going to be so busy pity me" tangent...My point is when I realized all of these things I was suddenly in a four day long bad mood. No fun, snappy, irritable, unhappy Julie had returned.

This is when it really hit me. I was totally letting even the thought of this new schedule stress me out to the point of wallowing in total self absorption. I am so grateful for this realization because I feel like it allowed me to get things in check before it was too late. Going back to school is a gift, all the family and friends I have to help me are gifts, Ryan being the world's most patient and supportive man is a gift, Kyle is a gift, having another baby regardless of the timing with school is a tremendous gift, and being able to still work a bit and keep some extra money for our family coming in is a gift. These are all wonderful things. Sure, it will be new and challenging. It will be different than what we are used to and some days I am sure I will curse the day I decided to drag our family into it, but it is all ok. I can only do my best. It is only a short season for us.

So what is this long drawn out novel getting to? My only resolution this year? To remain kind, loving, and happy to everyone, including myself, but most of all to Ryan and Kyle. Regardless of the stress or curve balls I encounter, I need to handle it. No excuses. Bring it on 2013, I think I am finally ready.

Winter Break

I thought about breaking this all up into smaller posts, but then I decided to just mash it all into one. The whole winter break. Sledding, family time, Christmas, my sister's visit, and more. It has been jam packed!

Before the official start of the break we were lucky enough to get some time with Kate and Jeff! They came and stayed a night with us and as always, we loved it. We stayed up too late but had a great time, so it was worth it. Kyle loved having them back in the house, and enjoyed Jimmer coming along too.

That weekend we went for some sledding in Heber with the Lundgreen family.  It was a beautiful day. I love having an in law family I like so much. I also love to sled. I only went down a few times but I love how I feel like I am 5 years old while I do it. Watching Ryan was probably my favorite part...topped only by Kyle's love of riding around with Grandpa in the ATV and digger. Ryan had a few wipe outs that were really fun to watch:)

CHRISTMAS

Next was the arrival of the Brown's! I have mentioned before how much I ADORE my sister. Having her family in town for the holiday was perfect. We started things off with Christmas Eve. Ryan and I got to watch the kids for a bit in the morning which I loved. I did the girls' hair and nails, and then it started snowing. Watching 4 little kids react to a snowstorm when they have never seen it before was pretty great.

Later we had the traditional clam chowder dinner (my faaaaaaaavorite) and a little Christmas program. It was so fun to have my family there. As much as I love my parents, spending Christmas as an only child was never my favorite. I loved having everyone there. I can't forget to mention how much Kyle loved his jammies he opened. They were Mickey Mouse (duh) and holy smokes. I thought he would like them but he couldnt stop dancing and singing that he was happy! It is also now a daily battle to get him to wear anything else. Then Ryan and I came home and helped Kyle put cookies out for Santa. Then we just sat and chatted by the tree. It was so peaceful and perfect. I am so in love with my own little family time. There is truly nothing I love more.

Christmas morning was so fun this year! Kyle actually slept in more than he ever has in his life...Ryan and I were up, dressed, and making crepes by the time our little man came walking out of his room. The very first thing he did was run to check the cookies (so grateful we remembered to empty the plate last minute). Then he ran in and saw his Mickey mouse holding his stocking. His reaction was amazing. We ate our crepes, opened our presents and then headed over to visit my family for a bit.

Christmas afternoon we had dinner at Ryan's sisters house. it was great! Her husband is an AMAZING cook so I knew the food would be amazing, but everything looked so pretty and it was fun to see all the family. We can't thank them enough for hosting, I know it was so much work. We had a great time.

We finished the day back at my parents just chatting and relaxing. Christmas night is always such a weird feeling. Like all of a sudden it is over. It always goes so fast.

OTHER FUN
The rest of the week was packed with fun stuff. I think I will do the highlights bullet style.

• Giving Michelle a whole new look
• Kyle getting to play with cousins around the clock
• Being surrounded by family all the time
• Going to City Creek and to see the lights
• An amazing date night with Chris and Michelle
• Getting box seats at a Jazz game!! 
• Trying and LOVING Thai food
• Going to Heber with my family to sled 
• Shopping with Michelle
• Cafe Rio
• Ryan and Chris getting to play a lot of tennis
• Cutting the girls' hair
• Snuggling Miles
• Going to Build A Bear with all the kids. Kyle loved it.
• Having everyone get to know Kyle a little better.
• Lunch with Mom and Michelle
• Ryan being able to spend so much time at home
• Watching Pitch Perfect
• The pumpkin drop...where my dad throws huge pumpkins off the silo and we watch the explode
• Playing in the snow over and over again
• Me, Ryan, AND Kyle making it all the way to midnight on New Years Eve.

And some pictures.

2012

It was a great year. Some things to remember:

• Chopped my hair shorter than ever before
• Ryan went to Ohio for a week on business
• Ryan presented at a conference in San Diego and was published!!!
• Ryan decided to go for the PhD
• I decided to go back to school, applied, got in, and registered.
• I had my gall bladder out, and knee surgery. Both were unexpected.
• Kyle grew up SO much.
• Kyle turned TWO! What?
• We went on trips to San Diego and Dallas
• We went to three MLB games
• Ryan finished his second year of grad school
• I ran a few races, including the SLC Half and the terrible Migraine Half as I now call it.
• Ryan quit sugar and lost weight
• We found out we are having a little girl next year and finished half the pregnancy
• We played a lot of Candy Land and Monopoly
• We had Kate and Jeff live with us for the summer
• Kyle went from crawling, to walking, talking, and acting like he is 20.
• Ryan passed all his qualifiers and officially became a PhD student...meaning we decided to stay two and a half more years.

And so much more. 2013 freaks me out, but that is for a whole other post. I feel like we learned a lot, and made a few life altering decisions this year, but at the same time it feels like we just sort of floated through it. A lot happened, and yet it feels uneventful. I think I am just grateful for years like 2012. It had trials for sure, and plenty of happy times too. It was well balanced and sort of....calm? At times it felt intense, but overall it was a happy year full of a lot of good lessons, and good times. I feel ok about it coming to an end. Let's move on!