Lucky Lucky Lucky

I just want to get some of my recent feelings written down. I have mentioned before how scared I was to have another baby because of the postpartum depression issues I had with Kyle. It was seriously such a dark time for me. And even after I bounced back and snapped out of it, I still didn't REALLY believe people when they said they just loved motherhood, were obsessed with their baby, had never been happier...things like that in regards to their newborn and their life right after a baby. Don't get me wrong, I have always loved Kyle. But I could not relate to those feelings. I just figured I wasn't a baby person. I prefer my kids a little older. I thought this until the very second I saw Zoe.

That overwhelming happiness and love hit instantly. She is about four weeks old now. Sure I have had a few emotional meltdowns and struggled to adjust a bit. But overall I feel joy and gratitude. She is so perfect. So special. When I see pregnant people I want to hug them and tell them they are about to experience the most amazing experience of their lives. It is such a miracle. I can't even begin to explain the feelings. We have known Zo was coming to our family for a while now, before she was actually on her way. The first time I saw her it was like seeing a face I already knew, but had been missing.

I don't love Zoe more than Kyle. Not at all. Having this experience with Zoe has helped me understand a new dimension of motherhood I didn't know before. I feel forever changed. I wouldn't wish what happened to me after Kyle on anyone, but being able to see the difference this time around has been a huge learning experience for me.

It sounds cliche but I don't know what I did to deserve such greatness in my home. Ryan is the best thing that ever happened to me. Kyle is the biggest light and so special. Everyday as I talk and play with him I am blown away by how remarkable he is. When he gives me a kiss and says I love you... I just can't think of anything better. Zoe is already a little piece of perfect. They all deserve better than what I have to offer, but I will spend my whole forever trying to be worthy of their love. I can honestly say, sincerely, I have never been happier. I feel so complete. Above all I am overwhelmed with gratitude for these three choice people in my life.