It is going to be ok.

I think motherhood has always been hard. As long as women have had babies it has come with challenges. I think some things never change, but I also think the modern mom has a whole new set of problems. It has been talked about before that with social media the way it is, comparing yourself to others, and seeing everyone as only having perfectly happy moments can be hard. For me, instagram is a happy place. I love seeing what people are doing, wearing, sharing, and connecting with people I otherwise wouldn't have. I do however, struggle at times with how trendy motherhood has become. Its cool to have a baby. And while this is awesome because it opens up a new world of support for moms, it complicates things as well. Because having a baby isn't as cool itself, but rocking the mom gig, loving it despite its challenges, and looking awesome while you do it, is cool. Writing about how motherhood is -hard and crazy and emotional and stressful and wonderful and amazing and messy and the best, most rewarding thing you have ever done- is cool. And that is hard sometimes. It is hard because when I don't feel that way, I feel like I am broken, or missing something.

After my first baby I was hit hard with postpartum depression. It took over a year to work through and I still see it as the darkest time of my life. I wasn't warned. I didn't anticipate it, and from the moment I met my little boy I felt like I was missing something. It wasn't bliss. I wasn't overcome with joy. And from there is only got so, so much worse. But I made it through and eventually felt back to myself.

Baby round two. The main reason I decided to go as natural as possible in delivery this time is that I felt like I needed the crazy adrenaline/endorphin rush people talk about after giving birth. It totally worked. I immediately felt so much joy, love, happiness, and connection with that baby.The happiness continued for weeks. I was so in love with my kids, with this baby, and with my experience I was having. I will forever be grateful for getting to experience those feelings.

Since then things have gotten hard again. So hard that we have thought that we might not have any more kids just because of what is does to me. I don't feel like sharing specifics but the level of craziness blows my mind at times. But unlike the first time around this time I am being more open about it, and getting the help I need. I know very few, if any, will even read this. But I share for one reason only, because if there is even one other person who reads this, feels the same way, and realizes they aren't alone and there's nothing "wrong" with them, then it was worth it to me. 

We all have to be our own kind of mom. It is a unique experience that really does change you forever. A hard phase doesn't define you. It is just a hard time. You have to find how YOU do things, what makes YOU happy as a mom, and what YOU need to do to be ok. For some it could be wearing heels to the park to make them feel better, or posting a selfie to get some validation from others, or throwing extravagant birthday parties because they love to do it, or having a Netflix hour for the kids for your sanity and serving cookies for breakfast to get a few extra minutes in bed... we are all different and all in this struggle together. Throw away the judgement not only of others but of YOURSELF. Do your best and forget the rest. We are all going to be ok.