Resolutions

It is that time of year again. I actually love it. I love the feeling of the fresh start. I love setting goals. I love reflecting and seeing how far I have come, and where I could use improvement. This year is no different...but as I make resolutions I really think I only have one.

This year is full of new territory for me. I start a 17 credit semester at BYU tomorrow. College itself is not new, but doing it like this, in the phase of life is all new. It makes me nervous. I am not nervous I won't be able to do it, I know I can, but at what cost? I am stressed about always having arrangements made for Kyle. I am stressed about juggling home and school. I am stressed that maybe I am asking too much from too many people. But most of all, honestly, I am worried about becoming that stressed out monster I know I once was.

For most of my life I was obsessed about taking on as much as possible. Starting in high school I worked too many hours, and put way too much pressure on myself. Telling people how much I was juggling became a source of pride. Like, look how much I can handle! Idiocy. My first year of BYU nearly killed me. I was a mess. If not for a good roommate to talk me down and play hilarious sloth videos online, I would have exploded from stress. Anyways that pattern has always continued. I take on too much, and everyone close to me suffers because of it.

Then one day a little less than two years ago I snapped out of it. I was doing it to myself, so why don't I take control of it? I not only started finding ways to deal with the stress life threw at me, I started to eliminate the stress itself. I didn't take on so much. I made time to do things that made me really happy. I focused on being my happy self and being present to the people most important to me. I asked Ryan to help keep me in check, and he deserves a trophy for his patience with me through it all. I have been in such a good place. Sure I still get irritable, but my stress induced tantrums have been eliminated. I no longer find myself lashing out at the people close to me. I have loved it. I say no to things I don't think I can take on, I set limits for myself, and I accept change and disappointment so much better.

I still feel like school is the right thing for me right now. I feel incredibly lucky to have this opportunity to not only finish what I started, but spend a lot of time each week learning about something I am passionate about. But about a week ago it got real. I started really thinking about everything going back to school actually meant. A lot of time away from Kyle, always having someone to watch him while I am at school, finding time to do homework, balancing my hair clients, working out getting Ryan and I too and from work and school with only one car, keeping my house clean and food made, and finding time for down time with Ryan and Kyle as well as personal down time to do my stress coping activities. Not to mention I found out I have to go spring term, which means I have to have a baby one day, and go to class the next. Stay with me here this is not meant to be a "I am going to be so busy pity me" tangent...My point is when I realized all of these things I was suddenly in a four day long bad mood. No fun, snappy, irritable, unhappy Julie had returned.

This is when it really hit me. I was totally letting even the thought of this new schedule stress me out to the point of wallowing in total self absorption. I am so grateful for this realization because I feel like it allowed me to get things in check before it was too late. Going back to school is a gift, all the family and friends I have to help me are gifts, Ryan being the world's most patient and supportive man is a gift, Kyle is a gift, having another baby regardless of the timing with school is a tremendous gift, and being able to still work a bit and keep some extra money for our family coming in is a gift. These are all wonderful things. Sure, it will be new and challenging. It will be different than what we are used to and some days I am sure I will curse the day I decided to drag our family into it, but it is all ok. I can only do my best. It is only a short season for us.

So what is this long drawn out novel getting to? My only resolution this year? To remain kind, loving, and happy to everyone, including myself, but most of all to Ryan and Kyle. Regardless of the stress or curve balls I encounter, I need to handle it. No excuses. Bring it on 2013, I think I am finally ready.