Think about it

This post is not meant to be offensive or a tangent. I just want to share a bit of my experience just in case there is anyone out there maybe struggling with the same thing. It is not something insanely serious or life threatening. It is on the issue of judging others, which is a huge topic with many things I could carry on about, but more specifically, I would like to discuss breastfeeding. Random huh? Well, hear me out.

Everyone wants to be the very best parent they can be. Having a baby is the most overwhelming thing I have ever gone through. Pregnancy was hard, but it was nothing compared to what the 7 months since have been, and I know I have no clue how hard the things are yet to come. While I was pregnant I was always full of anxiety. Was the baby ok? Was this pain normal? Why hasn't he moved lately? Can I survive giving birth? What if there are problems in the birth? Birth defects? Abnormalities? But the biggest worry that haunted me? Will I be a good mom? Or even an adequate mom?

Naturally I read endless books on pregnancy and birth. I wanted to do my best to be educated and prepared going into this new adventure. So after much research and study, I decided I would most definitely breastfeed my baby, despite any previous hesitations I had had (my entire life). Yes, I would do it. So I began to study up on that. How to do it, the challenges I might face, and the gear that might help me be successful. I didn't even bother learning about formula or bottles, because I only wanted the BEST for my baby, and the BEST was breast milk.

Fast forward to December 10th, about 9:30 am. Kyle had just been placed in my arms. It is such a blur to me now. So overwhelming, happy, scary, and beautiful. He was healthy and safe. He was mine. I can honestly say at that moment the love was instant. He was perfect. He was the most wonderful creature I had ever seen and I loved him immediately. The first attempt at breastfeeding was a total failure, but I had read that was typical, and even the nurse assured me it was normal. So I had no worries as I sent him off with Ryan to get cleaned up.

The next day it was brought to my attention Kyle had low blood sugar and needed food. Since I had nothing to provide, formula was the answer. I immediately started to fret. My books said that even a pacifier could ruin your chances at breastfeeding and giving them a BOTTLE? Basically breastfeeding suicide. But what was I to do? An already tiny (6lbs. 3oz. and dropping) lil' guy needed food. He needed it. So of course I gave the ok for the bottle. This trend continued the entire time we were at the hospital. I kept trying to breastfeed but with no supply, and Kyle's struggles both anatomically and with his blood sugar, we had a lot working against us.

Time to go home. Still having very bad luck. Even pumping wasn't proving to be successful. Aside from that I was fighting through the hardest time of my life. I was so tired, so emotional, so overwhelmed, under so much pressure, and having a major identity crisis. How was I supposed to feel? All I heard and read was the breastfeeding was the only way to have a healthy baby. It was how the baby bonds with you. It gave them what they needed. The list goes on and on. So here I sit. Failing as a mother when I had only been at it for 3 days. Where was the JOY and LOVE and EUPHORIA new moms always talk about? I felt stressed and empty.

I had a lot of pressure from my own family as well. Luckily Ryan was a gem, and always supportive of my struggle. I had endless amounts of people telling me I just needed to stick with it, try harder, try longer, it will work out. It is what nature intended and is what was best for Kyle so of course it would work if I just kept trying. I am sure these people meant well, but all I got from it was pressure. I will never forget one night around 3 am I was up with Kyle watching some news program. The topic? The advantages of breastfeeding. Oh boy. Was there no break from this pressure?

Three weeks after Kyle was born I gave up the fight. I declared Kyle a formula baby. It was the happiest I had felt since he was born. I told myself it was ok. He wouldn't grow up an obese adult, he would still have a bond with me, we would find a way to afford the formula he needed. I had given MY best shot. Maybe someone else could have done more. But for me, I knew it was my best. I found peace with that. So what gets to me now?

The looks, and the tone I get from people. Oh, you bottle feed? Did you even TRY nursing? Women who bottle feed are so selfish. It was hard but you just have to try harder. Honestly I could smack them all! They have no idea the hell I went through fighting myself over failing. They don't know how much I struggled with having to accept defeat. They don't know the hours I spent stressing and worrying over the fact that I couldn't give my baby the best. They don't understand how I look at breastfeeding mothers and still feel guilt for not doing it myself.

SO to some who have clearly displayed their disapproval I have explained my story. They usually respond with something like, yeah well at least you tried. Its different. Some women don't even try. And you know what I think? SO WHAT! It is their body, their life, their baby and THEIR CHOICE! You have no idea of their circumstances. So please. I beg of you. Before you carry on about the advantages of breastfeeding and rub it in that its the only way to go, consider what that person might be going through. If you breastfed your baby then great! But don't make me feel like a negligent mother because I didn't. This applies to about anything in life. Just take the time to stop and think before you judge. Worry about yourself. Do what is best for you, and allow others to do the same.