Think about it

This post is not meant to be offensive or a tangent. I just want to share a bit of my experience just in case there is anyone out there maybe struggling with the same thing. It is not something insanely serious or life threatening. It is on the issue of judging others, which is a huge topic with many things I could carry on about, but more specifically, I would like to discuss breastfeeding. Random huh? Well, hear me out.

Everyone wants to be the very best parent they can be. Having a baby is the most overwhelming thing I have ever gone through. Pregnancy was hard, but it was nothing compared to what the 7 months since have been, and I know I have no clue how hard the things are yet to come. While I was pregnant I was always full of anxiety. Was the baby ok? Was this pain normal? Why hasn't he moved lately? Can I survive giving birth? What if there are problems in the birth? Birth defects? Abnormalities? But the biggest worry that haunted me? Will I be a good mom? Or even an adequate mom?

Naturally I read endless books on pregnancy and birth. I wanted to do my best to be educated and prepared going into this new adventure. So after much research and study, I decided I would most definitely breastfeed my baby, despite any previous hesitations I had had (my entire life). Yes, I would do it. So I began to study up on that. How to do it, the challenges I might face, and the gear that might help me be successful. I didn't even bother learning about formula or bottles, because I only wanted the BEST for my baby, and the BEST was breast milk.

Fast forward to December 10th, about 9:30 am. Kyle had just been placed in my arms. It is such a blur to me now. So overwhelming, happy, scary, and beautiful. He was healthy and safe. He was mine. I can honestly say at that moment the love was instant. He was perfect. He was the most wonderful creature I had ever seen and I loved him immediately. The first attempt at breastfeeding was a total failure, but I had read that was typical, and even the nurse assured me it was normal. So I had no worries as I sent him off with Ryan to get cleaned up.

The next day it was brought to my attention Kyle had low blood sugar and needed food. Since I had nothing to provide, formula was the answer. I immediately started to fret. My books said that even a pacifier could ruin your chances at breastfeeding and giving them a BOTTLE? Basically breastfeeding suicide. But what was I to do? An already tiny (6lbs. 3oz. and dropping) lil' guy needed food. He needed it. So of course I gave the ok for the bottle. This trend continued the entire time we were at the hospital. I kept trying to breastfeed but with no supply, and Kyle's struggles both anatomically and with his blood sugar, we had a lot working against us.

Time to go home. Still having very bad luck. Even pumping wasn't proving to be successful. Aside from that I was fighting through the hardest time of my life. I was so tired, so emotional, so overwhelmed, under so much pressure, and having a major identity crisis. How was I supposed to feel? All I heard and read was the breastfeeding was the only way to have a healthy baby. It was how the baby bonds with you. It gave them what they needed. The list goes on and on. So here I sit. Failing as a mother when I had only been at it for 3 days. Where was the JOY and LOVE and EUPHORIA new moms always talk about? I felt stressed and empty.

I had a lot of pressure from my own family as well. Luckily Ryan was a gem, and always supportive of my struggle. I had endless amounts of people telling me I just needed to stick with it, try harder, try longer, it will work out. It is what nature intended and is what was best for Kyle so of course it would work if I just kept trying. I am sure these people meant well, but all I got from it was pressure. I will never forget one night around 3 am I was up with Kyle watching some news program. The topic? The advantages of breastfeeding. Oh boy. Was there no break from this pressure?

Three weeks after Kyle was born I gave up the fight. I declared Kyle a formula baby. It was the happiest I had felt since he was born. I told myself it was ok. He wouldn't grow up an obese adult, he would still have a bond with me, we would find a way to afford the formula he needed. I had given MY best shot. Maybe someone else could have done more. But for me, I knew it was my best. I found peace with that. So what gets to me now?

The looks, and the tone I get from people. Oh, you bottle feed? Did you even TRY nursing? Women who bottle feed are so selfish. It was hard but you just have to try harder. Honestly I could smack them all! They have no idea the hell I went through fighting myself over failing. They don't know how much I struggled with having to accept defeat. They don't know the hours I spent stressing and worrying over the fact that I couldn't give my baby the best. They don't understand how I look at breastfeeding mothers and still feel guilt for not doing it myself.

SO to some who have clearly displayed their disapproval I have explained my story. They usually respond with something like, yeah well at least you tried. Its different. Some women don't even try. And you know what I think? SO WHAT! It is their body, their life, their baby and THEIR CHOICE! You have no idea of their circumstances. So please. I beg of you. Before you carry on about the advantages of breastfeeding and rub it in that its the only way to go, consider what that person might be going through. If you breastfed your baby then great! But don't make me feel like a negligent mother because I didn't. This applies to about anything in life. Just take the time to stop and think before you judge. Worry about yourself. Do what is best for you, and allow others to do the same.

A final recap

Ok I think this is the last of this marathon posting session. The beginning of the update posts starts here if you want to go in order. It has taken forever and I know it feels a bit overkill? I considered just doing the highlights all in one post, but as I mentioned, this is the main way I journal and its important to me. I couldn't really care less if anyone else reads any of it. I just LOVE having it to look back at. Anyways. I think I covered most of the bigger events, so now I just wanted to toss in all the extras. What else happened in the last few weeks?

Kyle and Michelle bonded quickly.

 Kyle loooved all the attention from cousins

 Myzie got her ears pierced! 

 Kyle graduated from this perfect yoga plank into actually crawling(his own variation for now) across the room!

 We ran through sprinklers in my parents amazing front yard

 We did LOTS of hair. Including COLORING Michelle's hair! Something she had never done before (excluding a few red highlights almost 10 years ago).

 We saw many rainbows. Both actual and metaphorical. Cracking myself up.

 Wii danced!

 We discovered Kyle likes paper above any other toy or form of entertainment.

 We spent lots of time on the swing.

We played croquet. I believe Ryan isn't in this pic because he was winning by so much.

 We said goodbye again. But it was much better this time, knowing we can easily call and text, we will be living the same day at the same time, and that seeing each other doesn't require a passport and a few thousand dollars. Rather than dwell on how hard it is to say goodbye, I try to be thankful that the only reason it is so hard is because I am blessed with such an amazingly close relationship with such an amazing sister. In case there was any question, I plan to head to Texas asap. We love you Browns! Thanks for such a great time!

Let down your hair!

Hailey turned 4 while they were here! I LOVED being able to help with the party. She chose a Tangled theme and super mom Michelle totally delivered. I was  in awe of her party throwing abilities. It was all so much fun. From getting the girls "princess hair" ready to doing the cake and decorating and then actually living it up at the party it was all great! All the cousins came along with other family too!

 The birthday girl awaiting her guests

 Sweet tower cake! 

Orange boats on jello water

Playing a bit of pass the parcel

Hoot Hoot

We love baseball. Plain and simple. So we are pretty devoted Orem Owlz fans as you know. It was so fun to have some family join us for a game. Is there a better way to welcome people back to the USA then with a little all American baseball? I think not. And to sweeten the deal there were fabulous fireworks after! Win win. By the way Kyle is a HUGE fan of fireworks. He gets almost hypnotized by them. Love it.

 K always has a good time

 Dad teaching Kam all about ball

 Myz and her sweet souvenir ice cream hat cup

Waiting for the fireworks!

Temple Square

You know what else is nice about visitors? It gets you out to do local stuff that you might never do otherwise. Temple Square for example. SO beautiful and fun, but we would never have gone without a reason. It reminded me of how many fun things there are to do around Utah. People who say Utah is lame must simply have lame personalities, cause there is PLENTY to do! (a major league baseball team REALLY wouldn't hurt though).

We headed up just to walk around and see what there is to see. It was quite toasty, but fun all the same. Oh an all of these pics, meaning every pic from the entire time they were here, are from Michelle's camera. Erik and Whit came too, but I didn't get any pics of them. But have it be known they were there too!

The moment I've been waiting for

I love HAIR remember? Well...Kyle might look bald to you, but he had some serious wispy hairs in need to trimming. So I declared it BABY"S FIRST HAIRCUT time! I have waited so long! And yes, he really did NEED it. I have others who agreed and supported. So it wasn't just me being over eager. Nothing bugs me more than nasty wispy hairs that just need to go. And what is the best news? Kyle totally loved it. I think he found the clippers soothing. Total success.

This pic is my fave. He looks so concerned. I assured him I was a trained professional. 

On your mark!

I guess I am far enough into my training to come public. I am training to run the St. George marathon in October! I am scared to death but SUPER excited too. Anyways, I obviously spend a lot of time running and this couldn't change just because my dear sister was here. The first week they were here I ran solo as usual. Then something magical happened! My sister, who had also been running but not with any particular goal, decided to join me! For two glorious weeks I had a running partner and it was great! We decided it would be fun to try and do a race while she was in town, and it worked out perfectly. We ran the Pioneer Classic 10k in Provo. I think we both went in a bit over confident since we had run much longer distances that week alone, but even with the hill they refer to as "Goliath" (seriously I wanted to die...I have never seen a hill that long and steep) we came in exactly at our goal time! It was so fun to be able to do something like that together. These are the kinds of things we have always talked about wanting to do together and it was even better than I had imagined. We also had a fabulous crowd at the finish line. Simply fabulous.

 Before

 During.

 After!

Better with Bruce

So I think I have mentioned my uncle Bruce before. Afterall, he is the root of my url for this blog. Anyways in case you don't know, allow me to explain. Bruce is my uncle, my dad's only brother. His real name is Bryce, but it has been years since I have ever called him that. To me he will always be Bruce. Anyhow, Bruce is special to my family. When we live in St. Louis he came almost every year for Christmas. His trips were highly anticipated by all of us. Whenever we made our trips to Utah, he was who we stayed with. When we eventually moved to Utah, I lived with him for over a year. SO he was a HUGE part of my childhood. He continues to play a big role in my life. I still remember thinking during his St. Louis stays, "everything is better with Bruce." He is way more than just an uncle. I could carry on and on about this relationship, but I will refrain for now. Anyways. He obviously wanted to spend time with the Browns while they were here and luckily they all allowed K and I to tag along! We had lunch with him THREE times! How fabulous! I think the most memorable was when we went up the canyon though. So that is the one I will document.

He took us up to this little known gem in Provo Canyon to have a picnic. The food was great. The company was even better. Everyone had a great time.

 Aaron is a HUGE fan of Bruce. 

Camp Rock!

I am about the biggest High School Musical fan around, so imagine how I felt when we declared a GNO and went to see Camp Rock the Musical at the Scera and I realized I had been missing out on another Disney Channel Original gem!? Even better than watching the show was watching the girls. At one point Hailey jump off my lap, ripped off her jacket and just started dancing like crazy. It was so so much fun! We had about an hour on the grass before the show started...so of course we filled it by snacking, playing, and taking pics.