Dream On

I have mentioned publicly before things about my battle between choosing a bachelor's degree and a cosmetology license. I have said before how I grew up torn between choosing what my parents wanted, and what I wanted. But it isn't that simple. 

It wasn't just my parents who wanted a bachelor's degree for me. I wanted it. I wanted it bad enough to work hard to put myself in a position to go out and get it after high school. I wanted it bad enough to spend two and a half years of my life, thousands of my own hard earned dollars, endless hours studying, and so many sleepless nights trying to get to that finish line. But there was another dream that I couldn't get out of my head.

I wanted to do hair. I wanted it so bad. I knew I had a talent for it. I knew I would be great at it. I felt like I was meant to do hair. Like the higher power in the world wanted that of me. It might sound dramatic...but this is how I felt. But it tore me so badly until it didn't anymore. One day I just knew I was supposed to go do it. It was a dream. I was lucky enough to fulfill that dream.

But what about the other one? BYU was my dream too. As much as I claimed it was just my parents' dream...it was mine. It was all mine. When I announced to my Dad I was temporarily stopping BYU to go to hair school he said, "you can't have everything Julie. You need to choose. Hair school, or BYU." I didn't want to believe him at the time. I had a plan. Turns out my plan didn't quite work out. I loved every minute of hair school. LOVED IT. I don't regret for one second EVER the choice I made. I knew I did the right thing. But I have spent every second of the last three ish years talking myself into being ok with giving up on my other dream.

At times I have found total peace with not finishing. I have felt that is hasn't been right for me to finish. I was needed elsewhere and my dad's comment of not being able to have it all has stuck with me. I saw not finishing BYU as my sacrifice for what I wanted more. I made my choice. I get to live my dream by doing hair. But fighting this battle with myself for years has been exhausting. I always come back to it. I always, always, always come back to it. 

A few months ago I changed. I decided the time had come. With Ryan deciding to go for the PhD that gave me three extra years of living next to BYU. Three years to finish three semesters worth of credit. The time had come. It was different now. Why? Because for the first time in this whole process, I am going back for me. Not because I want other people to be proud of me, not because my parents will be so proud, not because when people ask I can say I am in school, not because I feel like a failure otherwise, not because I feel like I need this to be a worthwhile person...because I am tired of arguing myself. I am tired of talking myself out of my dream. I am ready to finish what I started.

I had to apply as a new student since it has been so long since I left. I just found out I was accepted. I am scared. I know it will be hard. I know my family is going to have to make sacrifices for me to be able to do this and for that I am feeling guilty, but I know it is right. There are times this hasn't been right, and I am not saying finishing school, or even going at all is for everyone. But for me, right now, this is right. When I think it isn't right I realize it is only because I know it will be so hard and that scares me. But I can do this. I'll get by with a little help from my friends. Three semesters to go. Let's do it!