If not then what?

I have talked a lot on here how much I love to run. I am not great at it, but I love it. It fits in my life more as therapy than as exercise. It makes me feel accomplished, strong, proud, and it has become one of the main things that makes me feel like...me. A good run, especially a long one, can pull me out of any kind of slump.

The last month I have been fighting some knee pain. I could usually warm up and it would fade, then run through the pain if it returned. I wasn't too worried about it. Then on one longer run a few weeks ago it got really bad. I decided to take a week off. By the end of the week it had filled with fluid and was really stiff. I decided to go to the doctor. Bad news. He told me it was bad. That I shouldn't run anymore. Not my race coming up* not the full marathon in July, and maybe not anymore in general. I won't get into the details, but I was devastated. I cried all the way home.

Then I went to see the specialist the next week. It was the same guy that replaced my ACL when I tore it skiing/playing volleyball in high school. He is really great. He gave me hope...but said I needed to surgery to remove some cartilage and explore further problems. So that is my day tomorrow. I am not at all concerned about the actual procedure. Recovery to normal activities will be quick. But the fact that best case scenario I am running again in 6 months...that terrifies me. I know there are other forms of exercise I will be able to do. But its not running. Like I said, I don't run to exercise. I take fun classes to exercise. I run to stay grounded. I run to be me. I run for self confidence. I run to test myself. I run to push myself.

I know it could be worse. I know it will be ok. But tonight? Tonight I am a scared mess.


*This race was something I was so looking forward to. I was running it with bff Mare. The first one we were going to do together since 2009. I have heard it is a really fun course, and Mare is about one of the only people I enjoy running with. I am glad we got a few training runs in together before I had to call it quits. Still so sad to be missing it this weekend. 

Mare and I after our half in 2009